Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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