Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
