She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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