i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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