Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
