You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
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