Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
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Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
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I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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