he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
