every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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