i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
