Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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