I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
