Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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