He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I need a beard to bite.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
