The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.