"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
you win again, gameday.
Come see our sink grown plant.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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