How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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