fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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