my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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