I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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