obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
