didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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