idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
