he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
