There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize