I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
