remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Randomize
