Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
My liver is preforming stress tests.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
