I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
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