I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
