Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
