Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
This couple is walking their pig around campus
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
