sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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