I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
