You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
