"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
