I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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