we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
And then he peed in my hair
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
