I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
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