Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
wanna go halves on a baby?
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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