Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
You had me at "let me see your balls"
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