I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize