i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
