so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Randomize
