Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
