who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
