I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
