and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
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you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
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We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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