Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
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I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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