Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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