um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Omg I joined a choir last night...
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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