I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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