in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
