Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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