It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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