Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
