Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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