Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
